Friday, February 22, 2013


Last Sunday at our Porterbrook Cohort meeting (there's a whole explanation for that, but I won't go into it here) we were supposed to choose an area of our lives that we wanted to see real gospel change in this trimester.  I chose prayer.  Recently I had been feeling unmotivated to pray and when I did pray, I was super-easily distracted by anything and everything else.  After sharing this with the 4 other members of my cohort, they started to dig into me about why this might be happening.  They asked what I thought was preventing me from wanting to spend time with God in prayer.  I said that I wasn't sure and we all agreed to be praying about it in the coming week.  (Kinda funny, praying for God to tell me why I'm not praying.)  Anyway, after that conversation, I began to pray at least once daily for the Spirit to move and really let me know where I may be sinning or not trusting Him.  As the next few days rolled on, I found it easier to pray this prayer and found myself wanting more and more to just understand my sin and fight it!  Today, I put Seth down for his nap and then hopped in the shower.  I prayed again for the Spirit to reveal my sin so that I could repent of it and rejoice in God's finished work to save me.  I finished praying and was about to get out of the shower when all of a sudden, it hit me:  I am absolutely terrified about becoming a mother of two.  I am so afraid of the changes that this will bring in our family.  In all of my relationships (especially with Jon & Seth.)  I have been so blind to this truth that was obviously negatively impacting my prayer-life.  The one thing I most needed to be praying about was hindering me from talking with God at all.  I was believing the lie that this was all for me to handle.  I would just have to deal with it and make the best of things and persevere on my own will and strength.  THIS IS FALSE! There is NO WAYthat I'm going to be able to get through this crushing fear and the months and years ahead without God's grace and mercy and sovereignty.  I am so thankful to be where we are right now and to have friends that love us (and God) enough to want to help us fight our sin and who will fight right alongside us.  I know that this will be a continual struggle for me and I am grateful that I am now able to identify it (praise God!) and go to Him with my worries and fears and sin.  I know that my relationships will change, but I also know that God is big and loving.  He knows me and He knows my sin, but he sees me as His redeemed daughter.  It is God who accomplishes the work from first to last.   

1 comment:

  1. What an honest and eloquent post, Clair! There is such a writer inside of you! ;) Also, this really spoke to me , about digging deeper to find out why prayer doesn't come easily in various seasons of life - I'm having one of those right now.

    Thanks for sharing. Miss you.